In yesterday’s post I mentioned I had dreamt about my ex again. I was in a play with her. When I woke up I realized I might have not been authentic with her in the relationship.

I actually drew out an old memory from the first year when we got together. She threw a party at her parent’s farm. She was a goth and a lot of alternative folks were attending this party. And I felt so out of place. I often had this happen to me in her presence that she’d completely shapeshift into another person amongst crowds and I felt I had lost my girlfriend. This birthday party of hers was no exception.

I felt really alienated and out of desperation I drank a bit too much and combined it with a joint (which I rarely do). I tried to chat with some folks but didn’t know how to present myself really. Not sure any of them knew I was her boyfriend. After a while I just went outside alone, tripped, and slid down a slope into the “sloot” (dutch irrigation canal) outside the farm and I got my feet wet. Afterwards I just spent the night in bed, sick. I was 21.

This morning I met an acquaintance on the street. She’s some kind of spiritual teacher / mentor of sorts and I told her the dream. She immediately smiled, nodded, and said that of course I had been acting out this entire relationship. She already knew that the whole thing was an illusion. It’s painful to realize but I’m happy I got it confirmed again, this time with a total stranger as well.

When I draw these memories out, the effect is already that largely I start disidentifying with the event, and I can witness it with minimal judgement and the emotional charge is dispelled. Meditation by pen. Also, I’m trying to make a habit out of sharing my dreams. It’s a big relief.

Thanks for reading.

https://stacker.news/items/1488071